There are very few times in my life that I am alone any more. Especially, times where I am alone and not connected to someone or something via my phone. This is one of those times (don’t be bothered by the being connected to my blog….that is a part of the relief). The kids are off to a movie with Jon and I am due to a friends house in about an hour. But, for these 45 minutes, I am alone. No sounds around me in the house other than my fingers typing, and the hum of our house as the dishwasher runs and the laundry is in action.
I realize in this moment how I have almost forgotten how to sit silently. The things I should be doing race through my mind: should I prep the food for dinner; is the laundry ready to fold; maybe I should squeeze a quick workout in; I haven’t called my best friends from high school/college in a long time and should take this minute to make that happen; I have been meaning to get back to the book I got half way through on vacation and now is the time; what could I start on to make this week go more smoothly. So, I force myself to keep writing as a way to not relinquish this time to the constant to do list in my mind.
When did this happen? Was it the onset of kids that took all my quiet moments and turned them into times filled with things? Was it my job progressing to the point where I don’t have time during the day to take a deep breath? Did this set the precedent for “no deep breaths, ever”? Maybe it is because our world is on at all times (email, text, Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, etc.). Maybe it is because Jon and I are productive people….and don’t want to let a minute not help us to progress something forward.
In reflection, it is a choice. I like to squeeze a lot into my life. I enjoy the things with my family, and my job, and socializing as a part of our community. I enjoy my friends, and the outdoors where we live and staying connected to friends from prior times in my life via phone, text, email. I enjoy the busy.
But, I also like the quiet. The slight dripping I hear from the kitchen sink, the idea of a nap, being bored. A weekend with no plans, the time to take a spur of the moment road trip. The ability to answer my phone when my mom calls versus texting her I am in the middle of something. The free brain space to dream about things that make me happy, without making a plan about them….simply imagining what could be.
To live my life to the fullest, it takes the ability to do both of these things. Not letting either the busy or the quiet dominate my time. Being comfortable telling myself to redirect if I get too heavy on one side of the scale. This is one of those moments. I have been running too hard the last few months. Not enough quiet, not enough writing, not enough open space. It shows up in my health (sitting here with a cold), my kids (they show me my stress as if they are a mirror) and my temperament. Time to redirect.